Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
