That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
