someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
