FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
