apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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