so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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