I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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