This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
