That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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