Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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