smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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