haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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