i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my shit smells like andre
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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