you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
