I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
