mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
