I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
