Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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