nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
