I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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