i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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