cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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