I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
