I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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