: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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