Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
