My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
