i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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