Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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