I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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