remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
