I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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