Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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