he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
