My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
