Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize