I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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