I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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