So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
