I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize