I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
