You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
