To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
