I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize