he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize