I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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