Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Panties = found
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
