I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
zippers are such a cool invention
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
