Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
