I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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