dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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