She is in my trunk
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
