All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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