On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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