he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
