i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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