Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
