I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
