My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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