All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Randomize
