I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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