meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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